Money seems to lead the way when we look at the various things that are the source of conflict for elders and their families. While the elder is in declining health, the family may be fighting about who is in charge of the financial decisions. After the elder passes away, the courts see a never-ending stream of heirs fighting over the estate.

Mediation at any stage can help keep things from boiling over. Because relatively few people understand how mediation of a conflict can help people involved in everyday disputes, the American Bar Association sponsored a contest to encourage members to make brief videos illustrating this. At AgingParents.com, we entered the contest by producing a video on a typical dispute about an aging parent, and won honorable mention. Here’s the link to our video on elder mediation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFwLjUFaUQs

What the video illustrates is how a brother and sister are arguing about Dad’s care and what should be done for him. Threats are made, and they’re stuck in their opposite views. Of course, in our video they do work things out.

What we often see in dealing with elder related disputed is friction over who has the power to make financial decisions when the aging parent loses the ability to do so. We can’t emphasize enough how the basic document, a durable power of attorney, along with other basic planning, can avert some of these hassles altogether.

If you are over the age of 50 and your aging parent is over the age of 70, it’s time to do your durable power of attorney. While the language of the form document varies from state to state, the basic function is the same: an aging parent has named someone else, often a spouse or adult child, to take over the financial decision-making if the aging parent loses the capacity to make these decisions.

You can likely get the form for free in your state. We offer it free to anyone who visits AgingParents.com in California and asks for it. One thing to know is that it has to be specific about the powers it gives the the person appointed (agent) to take over when needed. And, it has to be notarized. If you don’t have one, please get moving!

© 2010, AgingParents.com

When Siblings Are Stuck in Disagreement

Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney
Aging Parents.com

This is a case study of a real situation, though the names and details are changed to protect confidentiality.

Two sisters are arguing and in extended conflict about the care of their mother. One sibling, a middle aged woman we’ll call Nellie, lives at mom’s home with mom, and doesn’t work. She takes care of mom, but not very well. The other sister, whom we’ll call Mary, is worried about Nellie’s unstable mental health, and that she isn’t bathing mom properly or watching her closely enough. Mom has dementia. She’s declining slowly, and can’t be left alone.

Nellie has access to two of mom’s bank accounts, even though she does not have power of attorney over mom.
Nellie is very emotionally unstable.

Mary tried to mediate the conflict with Nellie, and Nellie did appear at mediation. Nellie made all sorts of agreements, such as having a professional caregiver come in several hours a week, to check on mom and help out. Then, she refused to sign the “settlement agreement” document, and went back on her word with everything she said she would do.

Nellie wants money, and isn’t satisfied with mom’s income supporting her. She wants to get paid, too.

Mary has the durable power of attorney for finances. What can Mary do now?

Because Mary has the right to control mom’s finances, she can take Nellie off the bank accounts, except for the amount required for monthly living expenses. If Nellie wants more money, Mary can see to it that she will only receive it if she complies with the things she agreed to do at mediation.

Mary has a legal right to control all the bank accounts, and a duty to protect her mom from Nellie raiding the bank accounts for extras she doesn’t actually need. Nellie spends money on herself from mom’s bank accounts.

If Mary can get over her fear of Nellie, and do what her job as power of attorney requires of her, she will be better off. Mom will be taken care of by someone besides Nellie, and Mary will then have “eyes and ears” in mom’s home to help her keep mom safe. Nellie can continue to help care for mom for as long as she is able to help, but Nellie needs an extra hand with bathing mom, and other chores.

This is an ongoing conflict for which control over the mom’s money is key to keeping things stable. Mary is upset, but is able to do what has to be done. She doesn’t want to upset her sister, who is not stable to start with, but is at least able to provide some help for mom. The compromise is somewhat under duress for Nellie, but is workable, even if Nellie isn’t totally happy with it. Mary is a responsible person, and is on the right track.
© 2009, AgingParents.com
Post #10

I shudder when I see these situations. The parent thought, somehow, she was doing the right thing. Or dad wanted his kids to “work together”, even though they’d never done so in their lives before.

The parent appoints two children as “co”- powers of attorney for finances. Mistake!

When the aging parent gets too incompetent to make decisions because of dementia, or some other condition, the two siblings begin to argue and hassle each other about money. One wants to spend it on mom’s care. One wants to move property and money around (all to be done legally), make the parent poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, and not spend the money so that he/she can inherit it.

These are difficult situations to mediate. The sibling who wants to impoverish the parent so he or she can qualify for a Medicaid bed in a nursing home is looking for that inheritance, and not for what is best for the parent.

It’s not that every nursing home is bad. Some do a good job. But, many are unsafe and neglect is quite common. I know this because I’ve personally sued nursing homes for neglected clients. Three beds to a room are often the situation when Medicaid is paying. Private pay beds are expensive, but usually, a lot better. Some nursing homes do not accept Medicaid.

How do we help families negotiate these situations? We encourage them to research the nursing homes in the area, to visit them personally, to spend time there observing.

We help them explore all the options available. We encourage them to choose one of them to be the decision-maker and the other to be the back-up. That’s a lot cleaner way for the parent to set things up to begin with, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

Greed can drive a dispute pretty far. If your parent has set up his or her power of attorney for finances with two, instead of one decision-maker, and the parent is still competent to change this, talk about it now! It can get very messy later, if the two who are supposed to decide such important things as spending money on a parent’s care are unable to agree.

To learn more about sibling conflicts, visit AgingParents.com, for articles, and our free newsletter.