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What Feeds Family Conflict?

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney at Law

There are a lot of kinds of conflict, but some of the very worst are the kind that occur in families. Why is this? A long history of interacting in ways that don’t work, family members who are totally closed to change, lack of self-awareness and self-understanding, and fear are among the things that can maintain patterns of conflict for years on end.

Psychology teaches us that all behavior is motivated. That is to say, from that perspective, everything we do comes from some reason, some conscious or unconscious place within. If people behave unreasonably, there is a cause for their behavior. Knowing that may not change a thing about family conflict, but it can help us deal with it a little better. Dealing with family conflict is essential as our elders age and family members have to step up and make decisions about aging parents.  Everyone may not get along so well in this situation.

In our practice of elder mediation, fear seems to be the single biggest motivator that drives the conflicts we see. It can be fear around money, or control, or change. It can be fear of being found out, exposed. It can be fear of being asked to do something one is not competent or willing to do. It is one of the most basic of human emotions, but an emotion that causes extreme self-protective reactions. These reactions sometimes manifest in strong words, violent behavior, or generally hostile contact with others.
Mediators work to help participants at mediation find ways to agree and to make compromises. The stronger a participant’s fear, the more difficult it is for that person to give in to anything, or to make agreements that touch upon his or her fear.

What can we do about all this? Perhaps we can start by recognizing that no one enjoys being horribly difficult at mediation or any time. Behaving badly is simply what shows on the outside. What just might be on the inside is a person frightened of losing control, security, money, the family home, an inheritance, the right to make decisions, or anything.

Compassion and understanding can do a lot to uplift the process of working with persons who are showing their worst side in a dispute. It does not change the difficult person’s behavior, but it can cause the whole tone of a mediation to soften. Understanding that emotion feeds conflict can cause one to step back and try to imagine what it is like to be the person who is acting out.

If one is able to imagine that, to “walk in someone else’s shoes” for the moment, it makes it a lot easier to compromise or try to figure out what would work for that difficult person. I guess you can call it being a little less selfish in a dispute.

It works. This, of course doesn’t apply only to mediation of disputes involving elders. It’s a general concept, and can apply to any kind of conflict. Difficult as it is to see the other’s side of the story in any clash of ideas, working at doing just that is essential to getting things resolved.

At the risk of sounding too philosophical here, I conclude that elder mediation can uplift us if we are willing to put forth the effort to stop thinking of only our own point of view. It’s not easy. The upside to the effort is that your dispute could be over with, or at least down to a workable level. Were we all able to see past the specifics of a family conflict to the underlying emotions we would surely be more peaceful.

To learn more about family conflicts and aging loved ones, sign up for our free newsletter at http://www.AgingParents.com.

© 2009, AgingParents.com

What Makes a Good Mediator?

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney at Law

Is it taking the right kind of training? No, because then every trained person would be good at the job and we know that’s not true. Training helps, of course, but there’s more to it.

Is it knowing the law? No, because there are many wonderful mediators who are not lawyers. So, it’s not just about knowledge. Is it subject matter expertise if it’s not about the law? To some extent, subject matter expertise is very helpful and does contribute to being a good mediator. People tend to honor the suggestions of someone who has expertise. But it’s not everything, because we know that everyone who is knowledgeable in a field isn’t necessarily cut out to be a good mediator.

Then, what is it that makes a good mediator?

I think, based on participating in mediation over many years, both as an advocate and as a mediator, that a good mediator is largely a quality of character. It takes excellent listening skills, patience, the ability to see both or all sides of a dispute, and the ability to lead. If people were able to work things out by themselves, they wouldn’t seek mediators. Participants in mediation need someone to lead them to their own solutions without causing them to feel forced.

We know how it feels to be persuaded to do something and eventually to agree to do it. Most of us also know how it feels to be bullied or pushed against our will. A good mediator will persuade without forcing it, and urge without pushing to the point of being overbearing. That is a particular kind of leadership.

To me, one of the most important qualities a mediator needs besides leadership is that of being respectful of everyone, and being even-handed. If the mediator even hints of being partial to one side or the other in a conflict, the party who senses that is going to lose respect for the mediator. It’s pretty hard to persuade anyone to see things from a different vantage point if you lose their respect.

Another quality I value highly in a mediator is creativity in devising suggestions about how to reach compromises. Unconventional ideas can bear fruit. The mediator can come up with a tack no one else thought about before, as they were so involved in the dispute as to be stuck in it. Fighting doesn’t particularly lend itself to creativity.  Persistence is part of creativity.  When you hit impasse, you keep trying to figure out a new angle, to get the parties to see something differently, or try another way.

Finally, I think a great mediator puts people at ease, simply by good communication skills. There will be more on this blog about communication skills in the future, as it’s one of my favorite subjects. For now, let’s just say communication skills involve a mediator acknowledging what a person has said or tried to say, empowering people to express themselves honestly, and supporting efforts to move forward from where they started in the fight at hand.

Simply put, this quality of character we’re talking about here is a lot about being a nice person who expresses interest and attention to each of the parties. Add to that, a good mediator uses skill, techniques, effort, care, and the power of one’s presence to help disputing parties find their way out.

Certainly some of this can be learned. However, I’m not sure one can learn character. If you’re a mediator, or an aspiring one, look within. If you possess some or all of these things above described, you’re on the right track.

If you’re in need of a mediator, and looking for one, there is simply no way to assess these things without talking to the potential mediator. Ask if the mediator uses pre-mediation conferences. That means you get to talk to him or her before the mediation happens. Size the mediator up. Look for these qualities of character the best you can. Be assured you won’t see them on the mediator’s resume. It’s a “vibe” you get. Trust it.
© 2009 AgingParents.com

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney

What can a family do when the person who seems to be the focal point of a conflict refuses to mediate the dispute? Other than trying to persuade the reluctant one to try it, there is no way to force anyone to mediation. It is a purely voluntary process. Without cooperation from everyone involved, the chances of success are zero.

Sometimes, there is a misconception that the mediator is going to tell someone that they are wrong, or tell the difficult person what to do. Unfortunately, that shouldn’t happen in mediation. Mediators are neutral. That means, they don’t take sides. If the mediator tells the person in question that he or she is wrong, that immediately takes the mediator onto a side and out of the middle.

In my litigation career, I attended countless mediations as an advocate for my clients. I advocated for their positions. The lawyer on the other side advocated for her or his clients’ positions. The mediators who were good at the job of mediation invited each of us to look at the conflict (a legal case) from a different point of view. The mediator suggested a possible compromise, pointed out the weaknesses in our analysis or position, and often did exactly the same with the other side when we were in a separate room.

I also saw terrible mediators, whose work was so lacking in neutrality that I resented paying the mediator’s fee. One mediator took on my client and argued with him, heatedly, trying to get my client to change his viewpoint of the value of the case. That mediation failed.

Mediation of family conflicts is a special arena, which should be reserved for mediators who understand family dynamics and respect all or both sides. Big egos who try to force a change in thinking from the parties are likely to alienate them. Success at mediation of family conflicts starts with getting all parties, including the reluctant ones, to the table to begin the conversation.

Reluctant parties can change their minds. It happens at mediation every day. But no one will do that if he or she feels forced into it.

Learn more about mediating family disputes in How to Handle Family Conflicts About Elders, from The Boomer’s Guide to Aging Parents, available at AgingParents.com, in ebook, print, or audio formats.