What Feeds Family Conflict?

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney at Law

There are a lot of kinds of conflict, but some of the very worst are the kind that occur in families. Why is this? A long history of interacting in ways that don’t work, family members who are totally closed to change, lack of self-awareness and self-understanding, and fear are among the things that can maintain patterns of conflict for years on end.

Psychology teaches us that all behavior is motivated. That is to say, from that perspective, everything we do comes from some reason, some conscious or unconscious place within. If people behave unreasonably, there is a cause for their behavior. Knowing that may not change a thing about family conflict, but it can help us deal with it a little better. Dealing with family conflict is essential as our elders age and family members have to step up and make decisions about aging parents.  Everyone may not get along so well in this situation.

In our practice of elder mediation, fear seems to be the single biggest motivator that drives the conflicts we see. It can be fear around money, or control, or change. It can be fear of being found out, exposed. It can be fear of being asked to do something one is not competent or willing to do. It is one of the most basic of human emotions, but an emotion that causes extreme self-protective reactions. These reactions sometimes manifest in strong words, violent behavior, or generally hostile contact with others.
Mediators work to help participants at mediation find ways to agree and to make compromises. The stronger a participant’s fear, the more difficult it is for that person to give in to anything, or to make agreements that touch upon his or her fear.

What can we do about all this? Perhaps we can start by recognizing that no one enjoys being horribly difficult at mediation or any time. Behaving badly is simply what shows on the outside. What just might be on the inside is a person frightened of losing control, security, money, the family home, an inheritance, the right to make decisions, or anything.

Compassion and understanding can do a lot to uplift the process of working with persons who are showing their worst side in a dispute. It does not change the difficult person’s behavior, but it can cause the whole tone of a mediation to soften. Understanding that emotion feeds conflict can cause one to step back and try to imagine what it is like to be the person who is acting out.

If one is able to imagine that, to “walk in someone else’s shoes” for the moment, it makes it a lot easier to compromise or try to figure out what would work for that difficult person. I guess you can call it being a little less selfish in a dispute.

It works. This, of course doesn’t apply only to mediation of disputes involving elders. It’s a general concept, and can apply to any kind of conflict. Difficult as it is to see the other’s side of the story in any clash of ideas, working at doing just that is essential to getting things resolved.

At the risk of sounding too philosophical here, I conclude that elder mediation can uplift us if we are willing to put forth the effort to stop thinking of only our own point of view. It’s not easy. The upside to the effort is that your dispute could be over with, or at least down to a workable level. Were we all able to see past the specifics of a family conflict to the underlying emotions we would surely be more peaceful.

To learn more about family conflicts and aging loved ones, sign up for our free newsletter at http://www.AgingParents.com.

© 2009, AgingParents.com

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Can an Elder With Dementia Participate in Mediation?

Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R. N., B.S.N., Attorney
© 2009, AgingParents.com

Can an elder with dementia participate in mediation? The short answer is, it depends on the progress of the dementia.

Dementia is one of several kinds, the most common being Alzheimer’s Disease. It causes progressive damage to brain cells, initially affecting short term memory, and gradually affecting all “executive” functions of the brain, including judgment, analysis, thinking, and others. The affected person eventually loses the ability to recognize familiar objects, and even loved ones.

In the early stages, this kind of dementia affects short term memory, but other parts of one’s thinking can seem to be all right. One can carry on a conversation, express one’s self, and make decisions. An elder with early Alzheimer’s Disease (AD) may be able to live alone, drive, and manage affairs. However, even at the early stages, one must be aware that this condition is progressive. It affects everyone differently, and is therefore, unpredictable.

What we know is that a person’s decline with AD is steady and that it will certainly get worse until a cure or better treatment is found. We don’t have that yet. In the meantime, what if there is a family conflict, mediation seems to be the way to deal with it, and the elder has dementia? Do we invite the elder to come?

Our experience at AgingParents.com with elders who have dementia is that they are invited to come to mediation if they are willing and want to be there. They may not stay for the entire discussion. We may want to provide for a caregiver to accompany them elsewhere after a part of the talking is done. We do want an elder to be able to express his or her wishes. We do want him or her to feel respected and a part of the process. However, we don’t want to expect too much from someone with limited capacity to remember and participate.

As mediators, we offer the opportunity for the elder to participate when we have a pre-mediation conference with the family or others who will be present at mediation. At that time, we try to assess the level of function of which the elder is capable. We ask the elder about coming if the elder is available to us by phone.

Sometimes, things will be talked about at mediation which could upset the elder, or cause unnecessary stress. We make every effort to be sensitive to this, and to arrange with the family members to spare the elder from extra stress.

In our experience so far, some elders stay for the entire session, and some leave early. In some cases, the elder is too disabled to be there at all. So, the question of whether to ask or permit an elder with AD to come to mediation must be decided on a case-by-case basis. Even if their participation is only symbolic, and they are likely to forget what happened by the next hour or day, it can be a respectful gesture to ask the elder to be at mediation, at least for awhile. The family’s wishes about this are also considered.

The final point is that settling an issue at mediation requires the ability to make a reasoned decision and to keep commitments made at mediation. Where there is conflict, those participants who have decision-making authority should have the final word about any outcome of mediation.
©AgingParents.com
Learn more about dealing with elders with dementia at http://www.agingparents.com

What Makes a Good Mediator?

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney at Law

Is it taking the right kind of training? No, because then every trained person would be good at the job and we know that’s not true. Training helps, of course, but there’s more to it.

Is it knowing the law? No, because there are many wonderful mediators who are not lawyers. So, it’s not just about knowledge. Is it subject matter expertise if it’s not about the law? To some extent, subject matter expertise is very helpful and does contribute to being a good mediator. People tend to honor the suggestions of someone who has expertise. But it’s not everything, because we know that everyone who is knowledgeable in a field isn’t necessarily cut out to be a good mediator.

Then, what is it that makes a good mediator?

I think, based on participating in mediation over many years, both as an advocate and as a mediator, that a good mediator is largely a quality of character. It takes excellent listening skills, patience, the ability to see both or all sides of a dispute, and the ability to lead. If people were able to work things out by themselves, they wouldn’t seek mediators. Participants in mediation need someone to lead them to their own solutions without causing them to feel forced.

We know how it feels to be persuaded to do something and eventually to agree to do it. Most of us also know how it feels to be bullied or pushed against our will. A good mediator will persuade without forcing it, and urge without pushing to the point of being overbearing. That is a particular kind of leadership.

To me, one of the most important qualities a mediator needs besides leadership is that of being respectful of everyone, and being even-handed. If the mediator even hints of being partial to one side or the other in a conflict, the party who senses that is going to lose respect for the mediator. It’s pretty hard to persuade anyone to see things from a different vantage point if you lose their respect.

Another quality I value highly in a mediator is creativity in devising suggestions about how to reach compromises. Unconventional ideas can bear fruit. The mediator can come up with a tack no one else thought about before, as they were so involved in the dispute as to be stuck in it. Fighting doesn’t particularly lend itself to creativity.  Persistence is part of creativity.  When you hit impasse, you keep trying to figure out a new angle, to get the parties to see something differently, or try another way.

Finally, I think a great mediator puts people at ease, simply by good communication skills. There will be more on this blog about communication skills in the future, as it’s one of my favorite subjects. For now, let’s just say communication skills involve a mediator acknowledging what a person has said or tried to say, empowering people to express themselves honestly, and supporting efforts to move forward from where they started in the fight at hand.

Simply put, this quality of character we’re talking about here is a lot about being a nice person who expresses interest and attention to each of the parties. Add to that, a good mediator uses skill, techniques, effort, care, and the power of one’s presence to help disputing parties find their way out.

Certainly some of this can be learned. However, I’m not sure one can learn character. If you’re a mediator, or an aspiring one, look within. If you possess some or all of these things above described, you’re on the right track.

If you’re in need of a mediator, and looking for one, there is simply no way to assess these things without talking to the potential mediator. Ask if the mediator uses pre-mediation conferences. That means you get to talk to him or her before the mediation happens. Size the mediator up. Look for these qualities of character the best you can. Be assured you won’t see them on the mediator’s resume. It’s a “vibe” you get. Trust it.
© 2009 AgingParents.com

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney

What can a family do when the person who seems to be the focal point of a conflict refuses to mediate the dispute? Other than trying to persuade the reluctant one to try it, there is no way to force anyone to mediation. It is a purely voluntary process. Without cooperation from everyone involved, the chances of success are zero.

Sometimes, there is a misconception that the mediator is going to tell someone that they are wrong, or tell the difficult person what to do. Unfortunately, that shouldn’t happen in mediation. Mediators are neutral. That means, they don’t take sides. If the mediator tells the person in question that he or she is wrong, that immediately takes the mediator onto a side and out of the middle.

In my litigation career, I attended countless mediations as an advocate for my clients. I advocated for their positions. The lawyer on the other side advocated for her or his clients’ positions. The mediators who were good at the job of mediation invited each of us to look at the conflict (a legal case) from a different point of view. The mediator suggested a possible compromise, pointed out the weaknesses in our analysis or position, and often did exactly the same with the other side when we were in a separate room.

I also saw terrible mediators, whose work was so lacking in neutrality that I resented paying the mediator’s fee. One mediator took on my client and argued with him, heatedly, trying to get my client to change his viewpoint of the value of the case. That mediation failed.

Mediation of family conflicts is a special arena, which should be reserved for mediators who understand family dynamics and respect all or both sides. Big egos who try to force a change in thinking from the parties are likely to alienate them. Success at mediation of family conflicts starts with getting all parties, including the reluctant ones, to the table to begin the conversation.

Reluctant parties can change their minds. It happens at mediation every day. But no one will do that if he or she feels forced into it.

Learn more about mediating family disputes in How to Handle Family Conflicts About Elders, from The Boomer’s Guide to Aging Parents, available at AgingParents.com, in ebook, print, or audio formats.

I shudder when I see these situations. The parent thought, somehow, she was doing the right thing. Or dad wanted his kids to “work together”, even though they’d never done so in their lives before.

The parent appoints two children as “co”- powers of attorney for finances. Mistake!

When the aging parent gets too incompetent to make decisions because of dementia, or some other condition, the two siblings begin to argue and hassle each other about money. One wants to spend it on mom’s care. One wants to move property and money around (all to be done legally), make the parent poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, and not spend the money so that he/she can inherit it.

These are difficult situations to mediate. The sibling who wants to impoverish the parent so he or she can qualify for a Medicaid bed in a nursing home is looking for that inheritance, and not for what is best for the parent.

It’s not that every nursing home is bad. Some do a good job. But, many are unsafe and neglect is quite common. I know this because I’ve personally sued nursing homes for neglected clients. Three beds to a room are often the situation when Medicaid is paying. Private pay beds are expensive, but usually, a lot better. Some nursing homes do not accept Medicaid.

How do we help families negotiate these situations? We encourage them to research the nursing homes in the area, to visit them personally, to spend time there observing.

We help them explore all the options available. We encourage them to choose one of them to be the decision-maker and the other to be the back-up. That’s a lot cleaner way for the parent to set things up to begin with, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

Greed can drive a dispute pretty far. If your parent has set up his or her power of attorney for finances with two, instead of one decision-maker, and the parent is still competent to change this, talk about it now! It can get very messy later, if the two who are supposed to decide such important things as spending money on a parent’s care are unable to agree.

To learn more about sibling conflicts, visit AgingParents.com, for articles, and our free newsletter.

Family conflict brewing. It’s already rearing its head in the form of aggressive emails. One sister wants control of mom’s money and property. But she wasn’t the one mom appointed to be the durable power of attorney when the time came.

Now mom has dementia, and the time is here for someone to take over the finances. In fact, the daughter mom appointed (we’ll call her Phoebe) has been handling the money for two years now. What’s wrong?

Another daughter (we’ll call her Linda) looks as if she just wants to make mom’s care cost as little as possible so she can inherit more when mom dies. Shocking? No. We see it, unfortunately, fairly often. Linda wants to control that checkbook badly. She’s demanding to “help” Phoebe manage things.

Here’s the heart of the conflict: Phoebe is the properly appointed power of attorney, and mom chose her for mom’s own reasons. This was 15 years ago, and mom was completely competent at that time. Linda doesn’t like the idea, because Linda wants Phoebe to sell a house mom owns and keep the rental house mom also owns. The rental is worth a lot more than the other house. Several hundred thousand dollars more, even in today’s market.

Phoebe wants to sell the rental house, and keep mom’s home. Why? Because yet another sister is living in mom’s home and goes to see mom daily, and attends to her needs in assisted living, takes her out, and goes to the doctor with her. Mom needs that kind of care, as she has dementia. That sister, we’ll call Teresa.

What can Phoebe do? We suggested a family meeting with neutral mediators (ourselves), to see what Linda is willing to work out, and to see what Teresa can offer in the way of solutions.

Phoebe asked if Linda could “take her to court” if she disagreed with the way she was handling the funds mom has and the property. Answer: unless Phoebe is abusing her role as the agent for finances for mom, there is no way Linda would have a winning case against Phoebe. Disagreement with the agent is not enough.

Mediation could give the family the best chance of working out a solution which everyone could accept. Why can’t they do it without a mediator? Complicated situation, lots of issues no one talks about, and mom is going downhill fast lately. The sisters don’t get along. A mediator could help them get the matter settled among them.
Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., Attorney at Law, Mediator,
AgingParents.com.

To learn more about how to resolve disagreements like this one, see The Boomer’s Guide to Aging Parents, How to Handle Family Conflicts About Elders, available at http:/www.AgingParents.com/familyconflict, in print, ebook, or audiobook.

The thing about this kind of mediation practice is that, invariably, emotions are high. The dispute may not be about money, but sometimes it is. Money is emotional for lots of people. We find that families in dispute about their parents or other loved ones often fall back into patterns of behavior they have been in with each other since childhood. As immature as it seems, the players can’t seem to break the patterns. Some have observed that siblings even assume the same places around a table at mediation that they had at the family dinner table growing up. Talk about being stuck!

We find that for mediation to be successful for anyone, whether an elder is in the mix or not, one must be willing to give up one’s position, or to be able to view a problem from someone else’s point of view. Why this is so difficult seems to be rooted in the emotional attachment siblings, or others have to their Positions. (I’m right, I know I’m right, and I don’t care what you say!)

So, if one wants to mediate a dispute and has any hope of success, one has to come into the mediation willing to have some flexibility about the problem at hand. If one expects all the changing to be done by the person(s) on the other side of the dispute, it is a sure-fire way to fail at mediation.

Mediators work with participants to try to help them see things from each other’s point of view, but no one can force a person to compromise. A mediation is helped by participants who work at making “a deal”, whether it’s about money or about control, or a place to live, or whatever. Siblings fighting about their elders have a choice about whether to make their best effort to work it out, or to spend their time trying to make each other wrong. Likewise with the elders themselves. Some are just plain difficult, and compromise is not something they want to explore.

People have many reasons for holding onto their positions in family conflicts. Sometimes there are old resentments dating back to childhood. One mother who said she didn’t trust her son to manage her money wouldn’t give a reason until pressed. Her son was a responsible businessman, and likely could have done the job. He managed his own money responsibly, as reported by all and agreed to by the mom. As it turned out, he had gotten black oil on a favorite embroidered towel she had when he was a little boy, and that was her basis for not trusting him.

She was not about to give up her position. She had a very difficult time in her life, and though she made agreements at mediation, she spent a lot of time afterwards, we were told, undermining that to which she had agreed.

She’s a good example of a person who wasn’t likely to succeed at growing old gracefully. She also wasted thousands of dollars on attorneys, courts and got minimal value out of mediation. However, most of the time, mediation does work. People make agreements, they figure the way out of the mess. And sometimes it doesn’t, about 20% of the time. These are some of the reasons why it sometimes doesn’t work.

To learn more about how to handle family disputes, see How to Handle Family Conflicts About Elders, Vol. 7, The Boomer’s Guide to Aging Parents, available at http://www.AgingParents.com/familyconflict.

Elder mediation has finally gotten a little respect. National Public Radio did a piece on it, and it seems that people are finally learning about this. What is it? Elder mediation is a method of resolving conflicts about elders, their families and those who are responsible for them. Mediation, in general, is vaguely familiar to many people, because sometimes, it’s in the news. A Federal mediator is on the scene to deal with the labor dispute about Federal employees. A local mediator is trying to negotiate a crisis in a city. But in everyday life, especially family life, it may not be a familiar way of trying to get through a dispute.

Mediation, in general is a very effective way to help people who are stuck in their differences, filled with emotional disagreement, or unable to think past their own opposing positions learn to find a way out. A mediator is a guide, a facilitator, and a neutral person regarding the dispute. The mediator usually sets up a meeting, in which the people who are in a conflict agree to come together to try to resolve the conflict. It can take place anywhere. It’s totally voluntary. Courts are not involved, and no record of what happens is kept, except for a written agreement or settlement, if one is reached. The best news is that mediation is effective in resolving disputes about 80-85% of the time, regardless of the kind of dispute. Those are much better odds than people have when they sue each other or go to court.

When it comes to families, their long patterns of relating to each other can get in the way of dealing with an aging parent, and many kinds of conflicts come up. We’re elder mediators at AgingParents.com. We see legal disputes about whether the elder is competent, fights about who should take care of Mom, siblings at war over how money should be spent, and many other family fights. We’ll share some of what we do in this blog. We hope to generate more interest in using elder mediation to break through the logjam families get into when they get stuck in conflict, creating such stress for everyone. We’re in the stress-relief business!

Tell us about the family disputes or other conflicts that are affecting you.
Carolyn Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney, Mediator, AgingParents.com.