What Makes a Good Mediator
What Makes a Good Mediator?
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney at Law
Is it taking the right kind of training? No, because then every trained person would be good at the job and we know that’s not true. Training helps, of course, but there’s more to it.
Is it knowing the law? No, because there are many wonderful mediators who are not lawyers. So, it’s not just about knowledge. Is it subject matter expertise if it’s not about the law? To some extent, subject matter expertise is very helpful and does contribute to being a good mediator. People tend to honor the suggestions of someone who has expertise. But it’s not everything, because we know that everyone who is knowledgeable in a field isn’t necessarily cut out to be a good mediator.
Then, what is it that makes a good mediator?
I think, based on participating in mediation over many years, both as an advocate and as a mediator, that a good mediator is largely a quality of character. It takes excellent listening skills, patience, the ability to see both or all sides of a dispute, and the ability to lead. If people were able to work things out by themselves, they wouldn’t seek mediators. Participants in mediation need someone to lead them to their own solutions without causing them to feel forced.
We know how it feels to be persuaded to do something and eventually to agree to do it. Most of us also know how it feels to be bullied or pushed against our will. A good mediator will persuade without forcing it, and urge without pushing to the point of being overbearing. That is a particular kind of leadership.
To me, one of the most important qualities a mediator needs besides leadership is that of being respectful of everyone, and being even-handed. If the mediator even hints of being partial to one side or the other in a conflict, the party who senses that is going to lose respect for the mediator. It’s pretty hard to persuade anyone to see things from a different vantage point if you lose their respect.
Another quality I value highly in a mediator is creativity in devising suggestions about how to reach compromises. Unconventional ideas can bear fruit. The mediator can come up with a tack no one else thought about before, as they were so involved in the dispute as to be stuck in it. Fighting doesn’t particularly lend itself to creativity. Persistence is part of creativity. When you hit impasse, you keep trying to figure out a new angle, to get the parties to see something differently, or try another way.
Finally, I think a great mediator puts people at ease, simply by good communication skills. There will be more on this blog about communication skills in the future, as it’s one of my favorite subjects. For now, let’s just say communication skills involve a mediator acknowledging what a person has said or tried to say, empowering people to express themselves honestly, and supporting efforts to move forward from where they started in the fight at hand.
Simply put, this quality of character we’re talking about here is a lot about being a nice person who expresses interest and attention to each of the parties. Add to that, a good mediator uses skill, techniques, effort, care, and the power of one’s presence to help disputing parties find their way out.
Certainly some of this can be learned. However, I’m not sure one can learn character. If you’re a mediator, or an aspiring one, look within. If you possess some or all of these things above described, you’re on the right track.
If you’re in need of a mediator, and looking for one, there is simply no way to assess these things without talking to the potential mediator. Ask if the mediator uses pre-mediation conferences. That means you get to talk to him or her before the mediation happens. Size the mediator up. Look for these qualities of character the best you can. Be assured you won’t see them on the mediator’s resume. It’s a “vibe” you get. Trust it.
© 2009 AgingParents.com
