By Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Attorney, Mediator

When 3 sisters are in conflict about how to take care of Dad, is there any way to stop the fighting? One shares power over finances with Dad. Dad is making some pretty crazy decisions lately. He’s 88, partially blind, lives alone, has memory loss, gets lost on his way home, and oh, yes, he still has a driver’s license. Is anyone in charge here??

Working with families can be a challenge, especially when siblings don’t trust each other. A conversation tends to deteriorate into ancient family history about who said what 40 years ago. They will take each other on and forget the problem at hand: Dad!

Aging parents can be hard for anyone, particularly when the elder won’t give up control of anything. Dad says, I’m ready for help, but no, on second thought, I’m not. Let’s go ahead and sell the house, but, wait, I’ve changed my mind. I think I’ll live with my daughter, but no, I don’t want to. I do have some memory problems, but there’s really no problem. Sound familiar?

Families can get very bogged down in the question of how to handle the elder who needs help but isn’t ready to accept it. Perhaps adult children themselves are having trouble facing how much help Dad needs and are making excuses for the danger signs they see. They react to each other, get polarized against each other and forget that they have a common goal: to help their aging parent stay safe at home, or wherever is best.

A mediator can do much to help them get back on track. A series of family meetings by conference call with an elder mediator can work quite well to focus the family members on the most important tasks. A mediator can sometimes be a referee, breaking up the argument, and refocusing attention on how to solve a problem. A mediator can keep order, let everyone be heard, and repeat any agreements that are made so everyone understands them.

If this hassle we’re describing sounds like someone you know, consider mediation. It is an efficient way to reduce conflict among family members, and is a whole lot cheaper than hiring lawyers and having siblings suing each other.

We all want to believe that we can handle the problems in our own families without any outside help. Getting a professional mediator into the mix might feel embarrassing to some. Others will complain that it’s too expensive. But consider the cost of any lawsuit: thousands and thousands of dollars just to get rolling.

Lawyers representing you for an hourly fee will be very happy to keep doing work and keep getting paid. Most litigators are not trained to resolve conflicts as they arise; they’re trained to be your vigorous advocates. No matter how you look at it, mediation is cheaper than any lawsuit. And it’s way less stressful, too.
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