When Siblings Are Stuck in Disagreement

Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney
Aging Parents.com

This is a case study of a real situation, though the names and details are changed to protect confidentiality.

Two sisters are arguing and in extended conflict about the care of their mother. One sibling, a middle aged woman we’ll call Nellie, lives at mom’s home with mom, and doesn’t work. She takes care of mom, but not very well. The other sister, whom we’ll call Mary, is worried about Nellie’s unstable mental health, and that she isn’t bathing mom properly or watching her closely enough. Mom has dementia. She’s declining slowly, and can’t be left alone.

Nellie has access to two of mom’s bank accounts, even though she does not have power of attorney over mom.
Nellie is very emotionally unstable.

Mary tried to mediate the conflict with Nellie, and Nellie did appear at mediation. Nellie made all sorts of agreements, such as having a professional caregiver come in several hours a week, to check on mom and help out. Then, she refused to sign the “settlement agreement” document, and went back on her word with everything she said she would do.

Nellie wants money, and isn’t satisfied with mom’s income supporting her. She wants to get paid, too.

Mary has the durable power of attorney for finances. What can Mary do now?

Because Mary has the right to control mom’s finances, she can take Nellie off the bank accounts, except for the amount required for monthly living expenses. If Nellie wants more money, Mary can see to it that she will only receive it if she complies with the things she agreed to do at mediation.

Mary has a legal right to control all the bank accounts, and a duty to protect her mom from Nellie raiding the bank accounts for extras she doesn’t actually need. Nellie spends money on herself from mom’s bank accounts.

If Mary can get over her fear of Nellie, and do what her job as power of attorney requires of her, she will be better off. Mom will be taken care of by someone besides Nellie, and Mary will then have “eyes and ears” in mom’s home to help her keep mom safe. Nellie can continue to help care for mom for as long as she is able to help, but Nellie needs an extra hand with bathing mom, and other chores.

This is an ongoing conflict for which control over the mom’s money is key to keeping things stable. Mary is upset, but is able to do what has to be done. She doesn’t want to upset her sister, who is not stable to start with, but is at least able to provide some help for mom. The compromise is somewhat under duress for Nellie, but is workable, even if Nellie isn’t totally happy with it. Mary is a responsible person, and is on the right track.
© 2009, AgingParents.com
Post #10

What Feeds Family Conflict?

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney at Law

There are a lot of kinds of conflict, but some of the very worst are the kind that occur in families. Why is this? A long history of interacting in ways that don’t work, family members who are totally closed to change, lack of self-awareness and self-understanding, and fear are among the things that can maintain patterns of conflict for years on end.

Psychology teaches us that all behavior is motivated. That is to say, from that perspective, everything we do comes from some reason, some conscious or unconscious place within. If people behave unreasonably, there is a cause for their behavior. Knowing that may not change a thing about family conflict, but it can help us deal with it a little better. Dealing with family conflict is essential as our elders age and family members have to step up and make decisions about aging parents.  Everyone may not get along so well in this situation.

In our practice of elder mediation, fear seems to be the single biggest motivator that drives the conflicts we see. It can be fear around money, or control, or change. It can be fear of being found out, exposed. It can be fear of being asked to do something one is not competent or willing to do. It is one of the most basic of human emotions, but an emotion that causes extreme self-protective reactions. These reactions sometimes manifest in strong words, violent behavior, or generally hostile contact with others.
Mediators work to help participants at mediation find ways to agree and to make compromises. The stronger a participant’s fear, the more difficult it is for that person to give in to anything, or to make agreements that touch upon his or her fear.

What can we do about all this? Perhaps we can start by recognizing that no one enjoys being horribly difficult at mediation or any time. Behaving badly is simply what shows on the outside. What just might be on the inside is a person frightened of losing control, security, money, the family home, an inheritance, the right to make decisions, or anything.

Compassion and understanding can do a lot to uplift the process of working with persons who are showing their worst side in a dispute. It does not change the difficult person’s behavior, but it can cause the whole tone of a mediation to soften. Understanding that emotion feeds conflict can cause one to step back and try to imagine what it is like to be the person who is acting out.

If one is able to imagine that, to “walk in someone else’s shoes” for the moment, it makes it a lot easier to compromise or try to figure out what would work for that difficult person. I guess you can call it being a little less selfish in a dispute.

It works. This, of course doesn’t apply only to mediation of disputes involving elders. It’s a general concept, and can apply to any kind of conflict. Difficult as it is to see the other’s side of the story in any clash of ideas, working at doing just that is essential to getting things resolved.

At the risk of sounding too philosophical here, I conclude that elder mediation can uplift us if we are willing to put forth the effort to stop thinking of only our own point of view. It’s not easy. The upside to the effort is that your dispute could be over with, or at least down to a workable level. Were we all able to see past the specifics of a family conflict to the underlying emotions we would surely be more peaceful.

To learn more about family conflicts and aging loved ones, sign up for our free newsletter at http://www.AgingParents.com.

© 2009, AgingParents.com

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Can an Elder With Dementia Participate in Mediation?

Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R. N., B.S.N., Attorney
© 2009, AgingParents.com

Can an elder with dementia participate in mediation? The short answer is, it depends on the progress of the dementia.

Dementia is one of several kinds, the most common being Alzheimer’s Disease. It causes progressive damage to brain cells, initially affecting short term memory, and gradually affecting all “executive” functions of the brain, including judgment, analysis, thinking, and others. The affected person eventually loses the ability to recognize familiar objects, and even loved ones.

In the early stages, this kind of dementia affects short term memory, but other parts of one’s thinking can seem to be all right. One can carry on a conversation, express one’s self, and make decisions. An elder with early Alzheimer’s Disease (AD) may be able to live alone, drive, and manage affairs. However, even at the early stages, one must be aware that this condition is progressive. It affects everyone differently, and is therefore, unpredictable.

What we know is that a person’s decline with AD is steady and that it will certainly get worse until a cure or better treatment is found. We don’t have that yet. In the meantime, what if there is a family conflict, mediation seems to be the way to deal with it, and the elder has dementia? Do we invite the elder to come?

Our experience at AgingParents.com with elders who have dementia is that they are invited to come to mediation if they are willing and want to be there. They may not stay for the entire discussion. We may want to provide for a caregiver to accompany them elsewhere after a part of the talking is done. We do want an elder to be able to express his or her wishes. We do want him or her to feel respected and a part of the process. However, we don’t want to expect too much from someone with limited capacity to remember and participate.

As mediators, we offer the opportunity for the elder to participate when we have a pre-mediation conference with the family or others who will be present at mediation. At that time, we try to assess the level of function of which the elder is capable. We ask the elder about coming if the elder is available to us by phone.

Sometimes, things will be talked about at mediation which could upset the elder, or cause unnecessary stress. We make every effort to be sensitive to this, and to arrange with the family members to spare the elder from extra stress.

In our experience so far, some elders stay for the entire session, and some leave early. In some cases, the elder is too disabled to be there at all. So, the question of whether to ask or permit an elder with AD to come to mediation must be decided on a case-by-case basis. Even if their participation is only symbolic, and they are likely to forget what happened by the next hour or day, it can be a respectful gesture to ask the elder to be at mediation, at least for awhile. The family’s wishes about this are also considered.

The final point is that settling an issue at mediation requires the ability to make a reasoned decision and to keep commitments made at mediation. Where there is conflict, those participants who have decision-making authority should have the final word about any outcome of mediation.
©AgingParents.com
Learn more about dealing with elders with dementia at http://www.agingparents.com